What the fuck?? STOP PICKING ON MOTORISTS, decrys the Daily Mail. How old are you? Nine? What the fuck is wrong with you people?

If the government was picking (what kind of a shitty-assed word is picking??) on motorists then yeh, sure, I'd see yr point. If they went sending out Ministers Without Portfolios to carjack people, spit in their hair and then push them back in and send them on their way, or if they were ptting up big posters everywhere that read WHEN I'M DRIVING IN MY CAR... I'M TOTALLY GAY, then I'd get their point. But they're not. What's actually happening is the police are catching people speeding.

I have serious issues with people who have issues with the Green Cross Code, because it's a really stupid thing to have a go at. It's not The Maaaaan oppressing you, you whinning shite, and they're not stupid penicity laws designed by potentially foreign bureucrats to stiffle the English and prohibt their God-given right to, um... kill people by accident. Trust me, I'm totally Yay! individuals, but being on the road isn't about being an individual (cyclist gimp boy, this menas you aswell). You have a big fucking car that is powered by BLOWING THINGS UP. You're not in control of that shit, and you should know that. Laws should govern how we treat people, and not ourselves, which the Daily Mail has happily demonstrated itself to totally not understand, yet again, apparently pushing for the creation of Thought Crimes, becuase people thinking differently from then infringes their right to persecute black people to their hearts content, but heaven forbid we should somehow have laws that actually protect people from other people.

There is no better time to be civil and polite then we you are aiming big fucking machines that kill, like, really easily at the fleshy surfaces of pedestrians and yes, in instances like that, we should get to prosecute people for being rude. Becuase rudeness kills when said rudeness involves crushing people to death.

Also, it is not yr God-given right to destory the atmosphere, waste tax monies on road resurfacing and get those poncey-ass neon underlight fucks, so let's just have you shut the fuck up until you at least acknowledge that paying taxes* on yr petrol isn't stealing yr hard earned cash, but maybe, just maybe, going towards you getting to keep driving yr car. I realise that the outside world may be hard for you to grasp, considering how you whine when you can't run children over when they're corssing the road after school and your'e doing 50...

*Interesting tax fact, Fact Fans- in 1947, the basic rate of income tax was 45%. Stick that in yr anuses and take it like a repsitory the way yr foreign national nanny taught you, Torys. You want the world the way it was? You gonna pay 45% income tax. You, door, now.

_chris! // 21:19



No! No no no, you sick, horrible people! Why the hell would you vote Lisa out?? That’s like giving Thatcher a particularly amusing brain tumour, complete with dribbling and Tourettes Syndrome-esque symptoms and then removing it in a harmless and simple procedure.

And then, then, you didn’t even have the decency to vote her back in again. What the fuck is wrong with yr tiny minds??

But at least we didn’t get given Fed again, and Jon isn’t all bad, tho I’m none too keen on his poncey-ass Oh! I’m such a mad-ass! I’m totally gonna fuck with their minds! shit. Fuck him, and fuck you too, fucking TV killing fuckers.

I picked up Enter The Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) and Wu-Tang Forever for the combined total of about £12. I like sales.

Oh, and if Thatcher or her estate or her supporters anyone else would like to dispute the above claim, or maybe they think it’s offensive, or wanna just pretend they don’t have the blood of millions on their hands, I would like to invite you now to go fuck yrselves. You are bad people. Sick, horrible, stupid, wrong people. Please fuck off and die now. Or get funny cancer. I’m easy, really. But if you could do it soon, so I don’t get high blood pressure or something and could maybe just sit down and be happy for a bit without having to remember stupid fucking fuckheads like you exist and getting all angry again, that’d be really nice, but probably not make up for all the murdering and fascism and handbags.

And don’t make out like I’m the one with the problem, or do the whinny-ass shit where you’re all Oh, you liberals, you hate freedom of speech, oh, it’s just another form of racism, oh we’re so hard done by, is Britain dyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyying. Wanna prove I’m the wrong one? That I have the problem?? Stop supporting mass murders, and say sorry, and maybe immolate yrself, but I’m easy on the last one. Hating haterz doesn’t make me a hater, fucknuts.

_chris! // 23:04


Actually, by developing a capacity for fucking sentient cognitive processing, I discover a web page telling me there was an issue published on the 27th of May this year.

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to fuck a wall with my face to some how get revenge on them for not publishing me, or possibly to shut my own excited face up with the prospect that they did and didn't tell me (I can't get to London to check out the issue until the end of July, by which point it should be out of date but won't be). This is a stupid, and not real, prospect, which is why walls will be facially fucked to stop me thinking it.

_chris! // 00:07


No one who reads this is going to know the answer to this, because you're all not hip enough to, but what the fuck happened to The Illustrated Ape??

It hasn't published since Janurary, it's homepage doesn't exist, and I haven't heard anything from them since they emailed me to say they liked my story.

But still... in the vague hope someone stumbles by googling for this, jsut why the fuck did they go?? Their magazine was stupid size, and about to publish! ME!

_chris! // 00:02



Page 41, yesterday's Daily Mail. page 41 (that's important, remember that)

Someone finally mentions that the rescue of Private Lynch may not have been all heroic. apparently, her inability to remember all the heroics of her rescuers was actually due to their not having fucking happened. Apparently, she was injured while shooting Iraqis, who later took her to a hospital so she didn't die. She was rescued, FROM A HOSPITAL, and taken somewhere else.

Fact Fans* may remember me pointing out, a while ago, that maybe, JUST MAYBE, she was in a hospital for a reason, and maybe taking her from a hospital wasn't the smartest thing in the world.

But anyway, there you have it. 40 pages in, and someone points out that the most heoric telelvised act of the way was a big load of shite. I for one am really, really shocked. And does everyone else remember telling Blair that maybe Hussein had destroyed the weapons long ago? Well now he's telling us. And also, I'd be fine with us not having found any weapons if we had some evidence that we'd spent our time in Iraq doing anything that might constitute a worthwhile deviation from potentially ending a horrible catastrophe, in the shape of terorists getting the weapons, from happening.

But ofcourse no one thinks they're there, so no one's doing anything about it. Couldn't we at least pretend? I'd feel a lot safer...

*This is my new collective noun for "readers", by the way

_chris! // 23:51


Holy motherfucking shit. I'm an adult now. Really. It's like going on the hunt for white suburban petty-bourgeoise males.

I just emailed an airline about a query arrising from lack of debiting my account for booked flights.

What the fuck?? I feel dirty. Anyway. They're telling em they cna debit my account "any time". Like it's a threat.


_chris! // 23:29



I can't believe they're making over my less-hated-suburban-country-town-chain-pub. What sort of sick fuck does that to me??

Our town is full of them, being a suburban county town bereft of enough local capital for people to set up drinking establishments, except in one case, where they invest in a fucking chain of them. And so the Hogshead won, because it didn't have carpets to get sticky, it didn't think you could dance there, it was light enough to see people, and beige enough to not make me fuck it's mercifully inoffensive walls with my face.

And now it's being refurbished, which could well involve removing the pool table, which would be stupid, and maybe replacing it with some nice lack-of-lighting and a bit of chrome.

Who the fuck wants chrome?? Fuck off, you irritating, in-my-face arseholes and let me talk to my friends over liquor.

Oh, and in other news of Wrongdoing Things: Playboy have taken it upon themselves to release a chill out album. Because it's not like there aren't too many Playboy branded items out there, or too many chill out albums. What the fuck are they trying to do to me?? If you're going to make albums, make 70s porn film soundtrack compilations. Arseholes.

_chris! // 23:40


Can I just take a moment to congratulate Big Brother for, when Fucking Lisa started whining about how she was vomiting! all nite! oh woe! woe is her! and no one was really paying any attention, the producers decided to play Don’t Stop Moving, thus making everyone, well... move, really, and not listen to her.

May I suggest this becomes official policy, and every time she opens her stupid mouth they play an ever-increasingly aggressive piece until it finally culminates in turning the whole house into a big sub-woofer and using it to play that chord that makes people shit themselves, all time time until she shuts the fuck up?

But why the hell is she up for nomination?? Surely they should have just told Ray “No, don’t be stupid, she’s like a big housemate cancer, she can’t go. How about Scott. No one likes Scott, and he looks homeless”. But other then that, good choices, with banally sensible reasons. What ever happened to Nush’s masterstroke, “I really want Gos to leave a house full of his friends where, let’s face it, he’s not exactly depressed and everyone seems to like him and he makes food for us all the time and we love him and I have no idea whether he really wants to go and face the stress of eviction because he doesn’t let me slather kitchenware with my ditzy saliva in a ditzy manner”. Instead of asking Nush if she was really sure that she wanted to use one of her two votes to commit matricide for no discernable reason, they should have let her just get on with it, and later told Gos, only made it sound worse, and then told him to not give any indication that they’d told him what she said, or someone would be shot.

And Ray should have access to everything said in the diary room, but not allowed to say that he does, and he should nominate in full view of everyone, because it’s not like even Steph’s gonna be wandering around tomorrow going “What? I wonder who doesn’t like me enough to want my stupid face out of theirs... ?”

And how good was it when Cameron was “talking” “with” Lisa in the “kitchen”?? He was just shiftily looking around trying to see if the cameras weren’t on him so he could knife her in her stupid talking-about-pizza face. Oh, and the entire house should be informed of that rant she went on in the diary room about how she wants to remember the whole event for prosperity, and everyone else is drinking cider and falling over like they can’t be arsed to accrue memories to tell the grandkids and it’s not like they won’t be able to RECORD THE WHOLE FUCKING THING ON A VAST ARRAY OF CAMERAS, YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH and apparently they won’t even meet her halfway on it. What are they meant to be doing to met her halfway? Drink less?? And do what with their time?! Talk about how she was a bit of a looking and can kill a man with two fingers?! For fucks sake, she’s driving them to drink!

Maybe she could go spend some quality time with drink-hating, reward-room-banned Cameron. I’m sure he has a nice game of Glassing The Stupid Bint In The Face that would just brighten up my day... Unless she tells him why she’s had to leave everyone else, in which case I’m sure he’d start mainlining Special Brew in an effort to not, ever, sound like her, ever again, ever. In his non-drink defence, however, he does seem to have been horribly censored. It’s not that he doesn’t like being regaled with tales of drunken excess, it’s that the housemates have led frightfully boring lives and their anecdotes are from the bottom of the Big Bargain Basement Of Things To Do With Fermentation, including such tres fantasique examples as We want on a pub crawl... and got really drunk!, We started off at the top of the hill... and went down the hill... drinking in every pub on the way! and my personally favourite, We had a lock in... WITH KEITH!!, preferably told without any embellishment, at all, as to who Keith might be.

I bet you’ve really missed me commentating on Big Brother. I bet the above is the highlight of yr day.

_chris! // 22:34


Some facts, because you like facts, my little fact hounds...

The British Security Uber Agency recieved one, un-confirmed report of weapons that took 45 minutes to be fully ready to launch being in the hands of the Iraqi overnment. Unchecked, this claim was placed in a security dossier as pure fact.

The British Broadcasting Corporation reicieved one, unsupported statment that the security services had grave misgivings about the way information was presented to the pbulic by the British government.

The British government's dossiers on Iraq have been shown to contain other out-right lies, such as the purchasing nuclear fuel from Africa documents. The BBC can be thought of as having bias against the war because it's almost impossible to actually sound for a war, when you think about the wordsthat would have to actually come out of your mouth.

So who's one-source-story do you believe more? Why doesn't Campbell just admit that he really fancies Greg Dyke? Why was a Labour MP given the deciding vote on wether Campbell lied or not?

_chris! // 11:15



Dear Police Service Of Northern Ireland,

We would like to once again express our displeasure at not being allowed to walk through predominantly Irish areas of Ireland celebrating that fact that, long ago, we raped and pillaged them, like, a lot and then later let them starve to death because no potatoes grew.

We feel that, as very stupid people, it is our right to walk about proclaiming how happy about and proud of our stupid, ignorant past we are, and we think that raping and pillaging and attempted genocide are activities that really should be proclaimed as great achievements and that capacity for these acts really is a virtue. We can think of no better way to express our joy at our apparent ability to not notice how sick and horrible and wrong we are then by marching around telling the decedents of our victims how pleased we are that we like to kill them.

Also, while we don’t wish to seem ungrateful for the fact that, despite the fact that being a member of the UDA has been outlawed by the entire universe, you continue to not arrest any of the members even when they all get together for a big UDA Fucking Enjoy Killing meeting at funerals and prance around, but could you please also not even bother trying to get them all on tax evasion and other minor matters either. While we do of course note that such an approach probably wouldn’t compromise your fantastic sympathy for our cause, which let’s face it is that same cause as your ultimate boss the Queen, and it is how they got Al Capone, we feel it is an infringement of the basic human right of all Englishmen to break any law we think looks like The Man, The Man we are fighting to keep running the Province after all, oppressing us, such as the Highway Code, for instance, because we like speeding and potentially killing cyclists, other motorists and small children. Also, we would like to be free to evade taxes to our hearts content.

We realise that your heart isn’t in bothering to catch us, sorry, the UDA, but keeping such avenues open in the interests of not looking fantastically complicit really does mean that someone, somewhere, might suddenly decide that stopping mad terrorist organisations who feel nicknames like Mad Dog, Mad Bitch and for fucks sake Dizzy Dog are acceptable is a good thing.

Yours truly,
The Grand Orange Lodge Of Ireland

PS. Yes, we know we’re a Freemasons Lodge, and yes, we know Freemason’s Lodge’s are, by their definition, not supposed to talk about religion and yes, I know that we only take Protestants and are expressly concerned with advancing the cause of Protestantism worldwide, but then we’re so stupid we can’t even notice that the entire fucking British army is on our side, so what do you expect?

PPS. We would just like to join with all our Protestant, and especially Anglican brethren world wide and rejoice in the fantastic victory for stupidity and ignorance and laziness that was won yesterday in the decision of Canon Jeffrey John not to take up his Bishopric due to pressure from stupid people. As a church with women, expressly forbidden by the Bible, on it’s Synod, which is also expressly forbidden by the Bible, we find it totally acceptable to set the example that the Bible is free to be bent however we see fit unless it involves gay people, in which case it suddenly becomes inviolable. We would like to stress that, yes, our own personal sense of aesthetics really are handed down from God as a grand moral code and yes, really, we are just Julie Burchill.

_chris! // 10:58


Riding in cars with parents /

Why did I decide that taking my laptop with me on a trip to London would be a fantastically clever idea? We went up today to drop off a TV to my London-stuck sister and take some stuff back, and now I’m crammed in a car full of shit she wanted rid of lisenting to the new Beyonce album and writing up things for the next zine, provisionally entitled THRILL, but that makes us monosyllabic like BANG and four letters off The Thrills, who are The Balls (In A Bad Way).

So anyway, the fuckers really hot on my lap, and my elbows chaffing on the back seat. Who the fuck never told me that yr elbow chaffs when using a laptop?? There should be public service announcements around, saying A LAPTOP’S NOT JUST FOR FEELING LIKE YOU’RE IN NEUROMANCER. The People need to know.

There’s a patch of grass off the motorway (I assume it’s a patch of grass, it’s kinda hard to tell what with the big wooden fence between me and it) that has an enormous sign sticking up saying (SOMETHING): BUILDING A COMMUNITY. Just our of curiosity, what sort of community are you going to build on a fucking motor way, next to the coach parking area of a service station??

Is this quite a common idea, building pre-fab social environments on the sides of big fucking roads? Does my molly-coddled, namby liberal Island life protect me from these horrors?

Riding on public transport with well-attired ladies /

The section of my head marked Things You Know About London Because It Makes You Feel Big And Clever To be Able To Find A Nationwide On Oxford Street, And Everyone Should Know The Relationship Between Covent Garden, Charing Cross Road And Soho (You Can Mock Them If They Don’t), which contains, aside from the obvious above, a bunch of other things that somehow make me feel like more of a resident then I am (ie. like a resident at all), got all tingly today in a pub in Harringay, where I managed to recognise a women, today wearing a very cool white belt with a white two-dice buckle, and a very cool red-and-white stripped top and a very cool black blazer with badges and a very cool black-and-white-checked-like-a-racing-flag bag simply from the shoes (pale purple Chucks, with chunky white-with-purple-star laces, if you want to know, which I don’t care if you don’t, because I just told you anyway) she was wearing, which were as cool this time as the last time she wore them, next to me on a Tube from Harringay to Leicester Sq., which she was then wearing with rolled-down stripped socks and torn fishnets.

Does it go without saying I have no idea at all what she looks like, but a highly detailed mental image of her wardrobe, all of which I feel the need to steal in order to BE her? I thought so...

_chris! // 00:33


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