I don't know what reason to hate the Doritos Friendchips cast for more: Is it because I am, by genetic engineering, market research and comitee planning I'm their pitch-perfect target audience, or is it because every time I sell a bag to a five-strong group of slightly, slightly spotty, slightly unshaven, slightly-post-pubescent males, I just know that they only got them in the hope that they'd uddenly develop some attractive women to be plutonically attached to so they could talk porn star names around the table and flitter away the long hours rolling eyes and ribbing each other in a well-worn-friendship way, all soundtracked by their chowing down on crunchy tasteless corn snacks.

Sometimes I feel like I should tell them that you don't make friends with women sitting arounda table eating corn thinking about being friends wit women.

_chris! // 22:06


Yes, you're right. I'm scared of the modern world too.

I' sorry, but in what sick alternate universe is the internet suddenly a useful thing for the police to control, and also something able to be controlled.

Do Times jounralists leave the house? Or do they remain convinced that the only way to get in touch with the real world the report on is to go to pubs at 12 in the morning, drink brandy all day, vomit on their coats, shout a lot and tell racist jokes, like those old characters of Fleet Streets' old days of yore.

Or shit-headed knob-faced wankers, if you will...

_chris! // 09:20


It’s summer, baby. Fucking summer.

It’s going to be good. I know it’s going to be good. We’ve just had Fighter and then Ignition on the radio, it still isn’t the longest day and yesterday, yesterday I didn’t have to fight the bus driver in that time old way*.

Although all that said, the BNP still ruined my day. They had that fucking Really English Hot Dog truck (aren’t they American?) painted purple (isn’t that sectarian?) parked up in town asking Who Runs Britain: Britain Or Brussels? This would probably have been better if they’d illustrated this with the fucking BELGIAN flag rather then the entire EU one, cos in the case of the latter we presumably have to gloss over the fact that one of those stars? Yeh? That’s us, Us who wield far too much power in that institution anyway.


So anyway. Yeh. They were there. And I was getting totally getting ready to have nice big argument with them, but when I got there it was just small old women getting people to sign a petition for a referendum about signing up to the new constitution, which at least I agree with*, so I signed it. And while I then crushed this lady’s ENTIRE WORLD VIEW, IN A POLITE WAY, by telling her that I would vote yes in a referendum, I had to do it politely, and left with her thinking I was wrong, when the aim was to make her realise she was.

Because yes, I’m one of those dirty heathen namby milk-scented liberal Europhiles who wishes nothing more on this country then an existence of subjugation to authorities who speak English with a foreign accent and the complete destruction of our ENTIRE WAY OF LIFE simply because we’re fucking cooperating with other people to help as many as possible.

So yeh, I have issues with the constitution, and there are lots of technical hitches with the Euro, but Christ almighty I can see no ideological barrier to this.

Plus, would we have to get rid of the royal family? Thus meaning that no one will find William attractive anymore and Harry, who somehow managed the amazing feat of being uglier then William, will no longer be amazing for managing two whole A Levels in Colouring In and his future career in walking in a straight line while shouting and then using his disturbing lack of genes as a medical condition to get him out of fighting will not seem like bravery but simply the same crappy choice made by lots of men in this country with nothing better to do.

I hope so. Does it show?

Can I use my Youth Mover?
No, it’s a school day
But I’m not at school!
It’s a school day
So can I se my bus pass?
No. It’s a school day

Yeh, the fuck??

**But, like, not yet, you gun-jumping little facists, calm it down. There isn’t going to be a text to need voting on for 12 more months. Is that... that foam at the corner of yr mouth there?

_chris! // 09:02


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