BATMAN DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE.

30.5.03:

The cockshitting Stereophonics have a cockshitting CD in the cockshitting Times tomorrow (or maybe it's in The Sunday Times) and the little cockshitting cockshitters have a cockshitting advert for it. The little cockshitters.

But anyway. The advert's exactly like those "sponsered by a brand of wine" spots bookending ad breaks in American sitcoms in C4. It's got the same filter on the camera and everything.

These sorts of adverts must be stopped, with their midrif-height POVs and aren't-we-mad-friends jiggling about and all pervading air of smug Conservative voting tosspots who preface sentences about hip hop with "I'm not a racist, but... ".

These adverts suit the Sterephonics very well, however. Presumably, cologen-style, the interest that has been sucked violently from all the people that are involved in these 30-secondpieces of vile, evil, social terrorism and nastywrong meme spreading is being pumped into Girls Aloud behind the scenes. And yet with styilists that bad, it's just not a fair trade off...

_chris! // 22:39

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Can someone with more fu then me please explain to me how I've gottten two referals from 10.10.10.202, a site which clearly doesn't exist.

This is freaking me out. Also, the person from the BBC was back, and didn't think to email me with the offer of a job providing the corporation with cunt, even tho I am both A: pefect for the job and B: Rod Liddle, the man who I presume was originally employed for this very purpose is now on Call My Bluff and informing the entire world what is wrong with him by telling us all, on television, that he spent a summer laying under a tree reading On The Road and then proceded to bother his parents by using "American hipster cat slang" for a fortnight.

However, well done all involved for finally at least using .co.uk rather then .com Google when looking for naked pictures of Big Brother contestants. I'm glad to see you've fucking realised what country you live in. However, please also note that no, really, these people have surnames, and maybe, just maybe, these surnames would probablly help the search. Also of help to the search would be searching for pictures, and not the words "pictures", and infact not searching at all, but reading tabloids, who make money expresly for the reason that they find naked pictures of people like this. However, of most help to yr search for Asian women who can't keep their breasts still would be taking a big fork and sticking it in yr eye over and over again until you stop because you have died.

No, really.

_chris! // 18:01

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Help! The pop universe is under attack! There’s an evil alternate pop universe intent on invading our pop universe and making it balls!

Already we have the evil return of Mr. Evil R. Kelly. Utilising a world in shock at the fact that the new Eminem single doesn’t sound like a Backstreet Boys bootleg, the Wrong Universe has relaunched the career of the man who gave us I Believe I Can Fly, proving once and for all that those who fail to learn fro the lessons of history and doomed to repeat it. I don’t care if he wants to be his key in my ignition, we have Har Mar Superstar and he can feel my beeper. One good line doesn’t redeem a whole song. And whatever happened to allegations of child sex ruining a career?? Kelly’s signed up for the entire Britannia Music, Film And Police Investigations special offer deal in which the first three arrests are free, and at the end he gets a special commemorative box in which to keep all the warrants for his arrests.

On top of that, we also seem to be experiencing the Plain Fucking Wrong merging of Stereophonics and Marilyn Manson. A man who describes albums as licking men’s bathroom floors, gets sex addicts to play guitar by blind-folding them and putting headphones on them so all the can hear are animalistic grunts and has a girlfriend who doesn’t wear any clothes, performs burlesque in an over-sized cocktail glass (it’s got it’s own olive, kids) and has the surname Teese is somehow only holding his own above an earnest Welsh tosspot who admires Marshal Mathers’ song writing ability, feels that songs played on acoustic guitars are both qualitatively and quantitatively more real then songs played on electric keyboards and resents taxes because if he didn’t pay them he could hire another roadie* simply by virtue of Bowling For Columbine and some Look a straw! I will flail my arms in an attempt to grab it! punning.

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*completely ignoring the fact that if he and everyone else did pay tax we could take these people who could end up as roadies and train them as t.A.T.u.’s on personal army of patriarchy-crushing militant Bolshevik cyberpunk assassins with the skill and knowledge to flay alive meaningful corporate indie conservatives with Justin Timberlake CDs.

_chris! // 14:38

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29.5.03:

Oh yes, it's back and you know it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my own teenage stupidity and almost physically-manifesting-themselves faulty cognitions somehow turning everything into something about me becuase everyone everywhere ever is too selfish to not get in my way. Really. Like my sister, having her birthday on Sunday. THE FUCKING BITCH.

This is, this time, from a distanced perspective, and I'm just sat here watching myself thinking "what the fuck are ou playing at" and some how this horrible, foul mood is not even tempered by the fantastic news that
Jesus was gay and singing the only song by Bitch And Animal I know louder then is, you know, advisable, in a house of parents trying to get to bed early.

My God, I'm fucking irredemable.

_chris! // 22:43

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Look! My Psychology-adled brain is saved! Freud/Jung- The Relationship of The Gods. If I were blessed with an appropriate level of foresight and the relevant skill level biomechanical enginering, I'd have pre-plumbed myself to cum out of my nose at that.

And on another Psychology bent: The Matrix Reloaded will kill it. For real. Like the last one destroyed Christian youth groups up and down the country with the way they could lazily reference it's "consumerism is fake" potential subtext and use it to demonstrate to people that Look! There are other things in life!*, so this one will give psychology teachers a pathetically easy encapsulation of the free will vs. determinism that, apart from being grossly lazy and obvious, is damn fucking incorrect. But they're going to do it, because I know these people and these people are wrong.

I'd like to think that, somehow, the film'd open people up to ideas that they may have not thought of before, but judgeing by the way most people I know react to films, it won't. In fact, if Psychology teachers don't push it down the student's throats, they're going to push it down the teacher's, with an endless stream of "Oh, like in The Matrix" comments, ultimately reslting in this film not creating discussion (which, let's face is, was maybe hoping a bit much), but really really killing it dead.

But you know, they can atleast sum up two whole theories in 12 lines of porn.

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*An important note: if you're talking to people legally old enough to see this film, you do not need to use it to get them in to religion.

_chris! // 21:56

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Holy shit! Fuck! I got a hit off the BBC! And now, all of a sudden, I have an urge to run aorund tidying up that last post. What's up with that??

Yeh, anyway... why is it everyone assumes that
Anouska's gonna have naked pictures of herself up on the net, and that they're going to be hosted on a .blogspot.com address? Why??

I have no pictures of Anouska's tits. Stop asking for them. Even if you're not actually asking for them. I don't care. Stop it. Also: grow imaginations. She was naked! In a bath! Do you honestly actually need to see more??

Really??

_chris! // 09:30

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28.5.03:

So The Sun’s got wood over some dead soldiers, there’s a surprise. The fantastic thing about this story is the way they’re treating the BBC, which is clearly so stupendously in the pay of the entire Muslim religion that it sexes Jewish babies before it’s horribly opulent late brunch of white, male, heterosexual working class skinheads and their birds while sitting on the backs of soldiers who don’t have Gulf War Syndrome, oh no...

They criticise it for being “like a department of state without an elected politician at it’s head”, which is gonna sound fantastic down the pub when it’s parroted by the shitfucking social retards who take this crap seriously, but has big fucking flaw: anyone remember the fuss when a New Labour “crony” got put in power? Yeh, exactly. I don’t think they actually thought that criticism through...

Their other major gripe is the licence fee, which is still paid by people who have Sky*, which just happens to be owned by the people who own The Sun, and which is “cultural tyranny”, according to one random academic no doubt chosen to take part in this little hoo-hah because he was expressing how he wouldn’t think twice about puking on his girlfriend and groping Daniella Westbrook, “just like that Mohan geezer”, but I digress... See, Murdock hates the licence fee, because sometimes, just sometimes, it pays for things that blacks, womens and gays might be interested in and doesn’t make it accountable to the viewer.

Now it’s true, some programmes really don’t pull in the viewers, and indeed some entire channels don’t either (hello, BBC3! Is it cold outside?), but does that matter? Is minority programming the enemy of free market choice? IS THAT NOT A PARADOX? So what if not every programme involves cleavage, white men and white men looking at cleavage. One of BBC3s biggest problems is it’s insistence on 70% British-made content, leaving them to rely on an industry that’s hopelessly under-funded and under-developed. They’re cutting their teeth right now, in an area that, yes, most people don’t have access to. But when the analogue signals get cut off in 2010, people are going to be fucking glad there’s a good reason for this new digital world of ours- that good reason being the strength of programming that will, by then, be in place. And the last time I checked, local talent was, like, a good thing, right? Yes? You don’t even have to have a frontal lobotomy and an irrational need to wave flags about and gripe that no one organised a St. George’s beating of the Irish to know this.

Ultimately, the licence fee removes the need to pander to the lowest common denominator all of the time, and you’ll note I’m not making an anti-soap, anti-crime-thriller-drama-two-parter here, but rather a plea for there to be something other then that. The BBC really is getting too weak and viewer-grabbing in it’s approach. God only knows what’d happen if it was somehow either brought under direct political control or privatised. The search for profit can only harm the viewers (or, indeed, the company), and so can political control. What we need is a BBC with cunt, which seems to be what we may well be getting.

Their cartoon featured the line “remember when the BBC stood for something important?”. As far as I’m concerned, the licence fee and minority programming pretty much are the only things the BBC can stand for. We hardly need more jingoistic, pandering, lazy shit around, do we? ITV? Got it yet?

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*... and thus don’t watch the BBC anymore, apparently. I’d like some figures on whether Sky actually COMPLETELY REPLACES most people’s viewing.

_chris! // 22:56

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27.5.03:

Currently giving my local communities’ “inner” NIMBYs wood is the news that the motorcross circuit that’s been built in a field (a field called Gore Basin, I feel the need to tell you) is gonna host some form of National Motorcross Fuckwittery contest involving tiny little bikes that sound shit and some rock bands, before going to be a full functional course 124 days a year.

Yeh, sure, it’s gonna be a lot of noise, and for God’s sake we’ve got enough fields for it not to be there, but on the other hand... how much unemployment do we have? More then you, that’s for sure. Our economy’s a big pile of crap, so I’m not too eager to slate this one. Tho it probably helps I’m moving in four months.

But then that was before I realised, this morning, that this is possibly the shittiest idea anyone ever had. See, the island costs about £10 to spend an hour getting off, at the least. Getting yr car over is about £80. On a windy day, ferries just don’t go. And you know what they did? What they say they’re only planning, but which has already actually happened? Fucking closed down the fucking CASUALTY UNIT. Anyone who doesn’t need an immediate bed has to make their own way to the mainland.

Now tell me if I’m wrong, but motorcross... that’s a bit fucking dangerous, right? A bit so fucking dangerous you don’t want to be doing it on an island with no fucking emergency health care.

Plus the local councillors nick my pens from me at work.

_chris! // 12:17

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Look! Can't you see?? Asylum seekers are so desperate to stay in this country and eat out food and steal our jobs that they're willing to sew their eyes and ears and mouth up. That's how determined they are to ruin our economy!

I'm glad I'm not at work today, as I don't think I'd be able to stop myself spitting in the faces of people who buy The Daily Mail from me. Or The Sun. I have decided to blame these people for this man's action, because it's their fault. Are you listening?

Also, my parents are fucking irritating, and decided to tut the man on the news yesterday, apparently completely ignoring that fact that EITHER WAY HE'S A DEAD MAN and he mgiht as well highlight the fact that Look! Darker coloured skin's just as soft as white people's!

_chris! // 09:34

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26.5.03:

The irridemably like Liz Hurley Tania is just wrong. She's taken both Peter Andre AND Dane Bower's veiny bangsticks. How fucking horrible is that?? But it's OK, cos she didn't actually like Dane as a person.

Her eyes must be filled with forks.

Interestingly enough, the editors have actually removed the much-publicised Federico-and-Anouska flirting, as well as Anouska getting naked FOR NO REASON while Cameron was in the shower. Why is this? Considering how they made everything cosy this year presumably just for the nookie, this seems an odd way to play it. Maybe the production team are as fucked off with Anouska as I would be spending all day looking at her, and just want her gone.

Plus think how many RAUNCHY EXTRA DVDS they can sell on the rather fantastic tag line ALL THE BITS WE WOULDN'T LET YOU SEE SO YOU'D HAVE TO PAY £20 FOR THIS DVD.

It even fucking rhymes- Bring. It. On.

_chris! // 21:57

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I got a Pride Of Barbelith Award, you know.

I'm liked, you know.

And I'm going to fucking win.

_chris! // 20:36

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I have recently dug out it came from the sea's first sampler, Double Bluff*. Why have I not transdended reality and fucking become a King Missile song??

I had lots of thoughts to say about it, and about how I wish I wasn't so tardy with getting inn touch with people that I was actually in touch with kick and Nikon. Or, you know, had the guts to steal their fleshy human skins and be them.

I shouldn't have got the complation out from the big fucking pile of ceedees it was happily sitting at the bottom of. It was a bad idea, and I know that. I know full well the next two weeks will be a hopelessly frustrating trail of daydreams about, you know, being cool and making it and, hell, living in Brighton.

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*To hsow you how hip and modern and up-to-the-motherfucking-second this post is, ther first track only just ended. No damn semantic quibbles on "recently" there!

_chris! // 20:35

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Look! I'm still alive! And I keep falling asleep and waking up and thinking it's tomorrow.

I had so many things I wanted to say on this blog, but I never seem to be able to. Tho incidently, if I get two low Ds in my forthcoming History exams, I get an A over all, and I need 12 more marks to make Psychology a C. Yeh, I'd say A Levels are getting easier, but I'll fucking break you if you tell me they're not shit-cockingly stressful.

Smile.

_chris! // 19:04

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