NOTE: please let this one freaky occurrence become simply be that. Don’t let it become some sort of precedent. I mean, really... does my dancing-like-a-girl,-but-badly thing really strike you as actually being a plea for you to find my aura virile and my body arousing? Do you not think that if I was dancing to get yr amorous attention that I’d make some attempt to hide my embarrassing, pasty stomach? Did you really think I was hiding my lurid, predatory urges behind a not-big, not-clever, not-rhythmic smoke-screen of visually atonal interpretive modern dance expressing awkwardness and navel gazing in teenage plutonic situations??

Hell, did my arse really look that tempting?

And so in conclusion: dancing is not the vertical expression of horizontal desires. It’s dicking about with mates and alcohol and adrenaline and oh no, no weed at all. At least it is when I’m doing it.

And you ruined the song, fucker.

_chris! // 22:34


John Leslie has, apparently, been horribly wronged. I know this because the papers told me this. Shall we gloss over the fact that, three (?) months ago, I knew he was a serial rapist? Because the papers told me so??

Ah, but it’s who he’s been wrong by that’s the most amazing part of this story. See, he’s been wronged by Ulrika Johnson. Evil, nasty Ulrika “she was probably wearing a short skirt at the time” Johnson who, despite never saying who it was who raped her and never showing any wish to bring whoever did it to justice, has apparently destroyed this man’s career just by being so selfish as to mention it in her autobiography! And it’s not just Ulrika “she sleeps with lots of men, she must be gagging for it” Johnson who did this to poor, innocent, been having allegations levelled against him for fucking years now John Leslie. Oh no! 23 women came forward with similar allegations to “the papers!” and apparently it’s these women’s tales which haven’t been told to the police but were printed as fact that are responsible for all those harrowing (Now. Apparently) pictures of Leslie looking harrased taken by paparazzi outside supermarkets.

So that’s 24 women who are responsible, but not the papers, who were today full of tales of this injustice about how this “alleged” rape had been portrayed to the detriment of a man innocent because it’s his word against hers. I mean, what could the papers do?? Like paedophiles to a primary school netball match, they just couldn’t help themselves.

And do we get a sorry? No. What do we get instead? An over-sized, inter-textualised multi-media representation of the view that rape’s the fault of women.

_chris! // 22:09


According to Dominic “I write the gossip column in the Sun” Mohan, Phil Tuffnel won I’m A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! because, secretly, all a woman wants is a man who throws up on her and wouldn’t think twice about groping Daniella Westbrook. We know this because he has a girlfriend who he calls The Missus.

And yeh, sure, sometimes I have sympathy for people who hate irony. I can see why they hate it and yeh, sometimes I hate it too. Sometimes I want it to stop but, right now, there’s a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach that maybe it already has.

_chris! // 21:50


I do not take issue with you because you are so far removed from society that your coat is long and black and leather. I do not take issue with you because you are so far removed from society that your nail varnish and hair dye and mascara are all black! black like the deep dark hole of your soul where your inner poetry lives and festers and eats away at you. I do not take issue with you because you are so far removed from society that you have adjusted the traditional LOVE, HATE finger tat thing to include thumbs and spell out NOBODY LOVES ME and EVEYRBODY HATES ME. I do not take issue with you because you are so far removed from society that I can only read these fantastic nuggets of wisdom when you take off your chunky pewter pentagram ring to hold it in your fingers and gently move it, making the light shine from it’s beautiful points like shards! shards of glass! shards of glass like the shards that your heart broke into when she said no and the whole school was watching! I do not even take issue with you because you are so far removed from society that you drink diet Coke cos you’re worried about your weight.

No- the reason I take issue with you is that you’re so fucking far removed from society that you just fucking dumped your diet Coke, and your Lucozade IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMEONE ELSE’S SHOPPING YOU STUPID FUCKING CRETINOUS SHITFACED SELFISH WANKER.

_chris! // 21:41


Because Flowers is at it and we all love Flowers.

Actually, that's a lie. But reading his stuff's got me thinking... Maybe NLPing my ass is what my summer's gonna be about. For university. I'm gonna make me a spangly, cunt-spunkingly fantastic new self to dance in and wear make up on and write with.

I want to be an interesting person. I want to be different, like all the different people.

_chris! // 01:35


Something I ntoiced a while ago: Americ aren't protecting mass graves and they're not going to. Using them as evidence in a trial is undoubtedly going to bring up all those nasty facts like why and how the fuck those people died.

Or maybe they don't have to waste their time. I'm sure there are some helicopter pilots out there with souvenier photos of the massacre out there somewhere... Got a copy of the order to split the front line to let the Republican Guard thru lying around somewhere have we?

Find me a mass grave younger then 12 years. Find me evidence he was still doing this. Find me something that tells me that this really was prevention and salvation, and not simply retribution for past crimes. I'm not sure killing five thousand MORE people Hussein didn't like is exactly a punishment for him killing more.

_chris! // 01:25


Some thought on finishing every last remenant of compulsory education:

Today was an anti climax. It rained all day and no one did anything. The world's largest game of Shithead EVA!!!!! (four decks!!!!) was a I'm-friends-with-you-and-you're-friends-with-her-and-she-works-with-his-girlfriend mess that satisfied about half, but I wouldn't know, cos I wasn't invited. Almost everyone, everwhere, ever, learnt how to feel from Dawson's Creek, and I'm getting told that, we mayh not have seen eye to eye, but I've always been respected as a person and when, oh pray tell when, will we all be in a pub together again?

Some of these people, I had ten days in Eastern Europe with disgustingly cheap alcohol and little personal space and STILL I didn't get to know them- do you see?

But some of the emotion was genuine, some of the hugs just icky and smelly and sweaty enough to know. I've spent every summer of my life wondering why no one calls, wondering how you call people, wondering just how do you make friends and what is small talk? but maybe now it doesn't matter. A summer of bad dancing, eating enough to not get sick, trips to London, whatever. This is what I want now, and I feel like I've earned it.

This isn't any fun for you, is it? Reading this... I don't care. I'VE FUCKING FINISHED SCHOOL EXCEPT FOR EXAMS AND STUFF. But jsut for you, and I don't know who she is, here's a hott girl that I am:

Fairuza Balk
Scary in a very good way, you're Fairuza Balk.

What sexy girl are you
brought to you by Quizilla

_chris! // 01:08



Aw bless! The Tories think they’re a real party! Poor wickle crypto-fascist fuck-headed shit-brains...

They finally get a policy, and a good policy it is, to educe university admissions and scrap tuition fees. Fucking fantastic policy. But anyway, they finally get one... and it turns out to have been the Liberal Democrats’ policy all along. That must suck, especially when you consider they threw all their weight behind that one, leaving their one-trick-pony punchline “better health care, more police and lower taxes” looking like it was starved of oxygen at birth. Do we have any idea how we are going to deliver on these promises? We don’t? And how are we going to get out of that? Say it’s Labour’s fault for being in power? Good plan! Would you like fries with it?

And has it even occurred to them that their “Greed is good” attitude is fucking bound to create a big fucking group of 18-30 year olds looking to enter higher education in order to be seen to be doing something with their lives? That cutting university admissions and just getting more plumbers, dammit! is going to need a shift in people’s perceptions to actually work? Because until “unskilled” labour, vocational courses and all alternatives to traditional education are seen as good and useful for everyone involved, why do you think most people are going to be aiming for university?

Nice try, Duncan Smith, but next time let’s fucking bother, OK?

Also, as a quick aside: if the reason for introducing tuition fees was because it reflected degree-holder’s increased earning ability, then why is it that everyone is ignoring the way degree holder’s AREN’T earning more, that averages are bollocks in cases like this, and that a much more sensible way to do this would be to fucking charge people earning more, err... more??

_chris! // 22:45



Good news! End of war in Iraq ushers in new period of peace, prosperity and safety to the joy f all the world!

Thank you everyone involved for making sure that all those lives weren't lost in vain.

_chris! // 17:48



Today’s most shitcockingly obvious fact, brought to you by a tabloid:

Apparently, Stakeknife*’s SIXTEEN YEAR OLD DAUGTHER wouldn’t come out of the house today. Apparently, somewhere in the world there’s a SIXTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL who’s father is, apparently, wanted dead by a fuckoff great big paramilitary organisation who really really really like killing people AND SHE DOESN’T WANT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE!! I mean, just FUCK ME! That’s the most fantastically remarkable fact ever!!! Who’d have thought it???

Is the Mirror real?

Also, has anyone noticed that when we have spies in the loyalists they kill Catholics and when we have spies in the republicans... they kill Catholics? I mean yeh, sure, THEY’RE ALL WANKERS. I know that. But it’s all a bit ideologically motivated, isn’t it? Only ever killing republicans and their sympathisers. It’s probably a coincidence tho, as I’m sure HER MAJESTY’S ARMED FORCES are just the most fucking impartial law enforcers around. I bet their fucking NAME doesn’t involve taking sides.

*D’ja geddit? ‘S a pun, see?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Who the fuck told the army they could make jokes?

_chris! // 21:46



Oh, and while I'm employing my endless depth of knowledge, complete lack of knee-jerk reactions, stunning ability to know what's right, all the time, always and incredably, superhuman understanding and symapthy of all sides of every two-countries-in-one-place shitfuck in the world, can I just say:

Sharon- please stop bombing Palestinian police stations, banning them from wearing uniforms, taking their weapons away AND telling them to stop terrorism. What the fuck are they going to do?? MIND CONTROL the rule of international law into effect? FUCKING ASK NICELY?? Shut yr stupid face you irritating, corrupt, Nazi-symapthising, goat-fucking bastard.

Also- are you Charles Manson? It's occoured to me you actually appear to be trying to start an America-and-the-Jews vs. Islam-and-the-liberals supernukefuckfuckDIEathon with the handy deployment of crass racial and religious stereotypes and yr big nuclear cock, apparently with the final aim of rising victorious and ruling over eight dark skinned people with two heads and an HIV-infected child between. Plus maybe their blood'll glow green!

Could you please just fuck off and die horribly now? I'm running out of mean things to say about you, and you're boring anyway.

_chris! // 22:23


Of Codename Steak-knife, and infiltrating the IRA /

First of all, exactly why the fucking hell are the press about to give away this man's name?? I don't want to know his name! I don't want someone to assume I'm interested in a story, and use this as a pretext for the murder of someone else.

But that aside... Shall we see how the press play with this one? There's been a lot of shit, rightly, about the Northern Ireland security service's complicity in Loyalist murders, which were most worrying to me because they seemed to be idelogically motiveated. But what of the IRA infiltrators? It's alread been admitted that he would have allowed atrocities to go ahead to maintain cover*. I'm looking forward to the Mirror making him into some sort of martyr put in place by an evil army multinational American oil company. Or something.

There's a lot of colonial guilt about Northern Ireland right now, and a lot of it's deserved, bu I'd really like to see some "The IRA were a bit shit too, eh?" going on here...

And why call him Steak-knife?? WIth any luck, Martin "Darling" McGuiness has the secret identity Codename That-Thing-With-Two-Spikey-Bits-You-Use-For-Holding-Meat-In-Place-When-You-Carve-It.

Plague on both yr houses, you intransient wankers.
*Begging the question- if we're not doing anything with this information because of his cover, then exactly what are we getting this information for??

_chris! // 22:15


So. The Euro. Obviosuly it's entirely hypothetical because, strangely, a man who nwats to run the country but can only run the economy has, strangely, sat down and deicded that he actually quite likes running the economy. He likes power does our Mr. Brown...

But anyway- how to vote? I can vote now, and so will vote. But how will I vote? On the one hand, the Euro is crap. It's symbol is very symoblic and Europe seems like it's too full of stupid people to ever be able to bring it under one monetary control but on the other hand, almost all the people are against the Euro are nasty, stupid, vicious people and I'd like nothing more then to piss the fuck out of them.

Britishness? Fuck Britishness. Grow up, you boring miserable tosspots and do something interesting with yr lives instead of constantly telling me you don't have to do anything interesting because you're British and you're proud of that. The fact that the only thing these people can find to be proud about is the location of their mother's overies strikes me as being a really good signifier that these people are illiterate sister-fucking shit-faces who need kicking a lot, and hard.

And no, voting for the Euro would not be "cutting off my nose to spite my face", as I believe I have been told, but "cutting my nose off to spite yr face", you ignorant shit.

And yet on the other hand we could and up with a recession and thus a rise in the number of interminably boring whinny Mancurian bands telling me about their navels and their willys and their real ale.

Fuck me, this dilemma thing's hard, isn't it?

_chris! // 12:11


This site is powered by Blogger. Deal with it.

chris is here! rock magicalaqua, barbelith, notopia, holy roman empire, flux, rizla, flyboy, the independent, randomenss, dead dog, suds, home cinema, upsideclown, careless talk costs lives, deva, auto ego fellation, The Adventures Of Perkin Warbeck, captain fez, kookymojo, slave labor graphics, ninjas, top shelf comics, medialens, the guardian, mister disco, fantagraphics books, shortfatdyke, tomatoes might fly, grammarporn, Loz, plums, youth club tape club, Hello Kitty vibrators, eye rainbow dinosaur, Janina, Unskinny Bop and all the other Barbebloggers like a hurricane!
The Sky